Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
