i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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