she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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