I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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