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last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
honey bunches of taint.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Randomize
