I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
