He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
