If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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