Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
