I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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