oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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