im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
How many fucks given?
0.12846
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize
