I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
