I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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