Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
