I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
