proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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