Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
