what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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