This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize