Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
