I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
But theres a keg here and me gusta
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
