this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I forgot wine drunk hurts
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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