OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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