From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
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