Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
my god I love twenty year old dicks
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
