im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
