I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
