All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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