What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
