i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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