All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
