Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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