there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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