he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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