I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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