I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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