the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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