Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
