I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
