party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
