how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Randomize
