It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Randomize
