so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
