I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
