you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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