Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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