Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
