i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
