You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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