so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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