It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
