my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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