Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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