all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
