I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Randomize
