Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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