On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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